Lift Your Head Up High
by Bastion05
Summary: *SPOILERS* A retelling of the last TV episode of EVA to the tune of "Lift Your Head Up High" by the Bloodhound Gang.


  
Hey party people. Wave your hands in the air. grin  
  
This one goes out to everyone who's seen the last TV episode of  
EVA. So let me get this off my chest real quick like:  
  
*******************************************************************  
SPOILERS AHEAD. FIRST GO WATCH THE ENTIRE SEASON OF EVA A FEW TIMES   
WHILE BALANCING A CAN OF SPAM ON YOUR NOSE AND THEN READ THIS FIC.   
YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!!!!!  
*******************************************************************  
  
Have a nice one, peeps.  
  
Now, without further ado....  
  
Lift Your Head Up High  
aka  
Bastion's Tribute to the Last Episode of EVA  
  
by Bastion  
  
Inspired by the song, Lift Your Head Up High (And Blow Your Brains Out)  
by the Bloodhound Gang.  
  
*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*  
  
[The screen is black and when, in ominous fashion, white words  
fade over the darkness..]  
  
It was 2016 A.D.  
  
The thing people lost, in other words, the complementation of  
the mind is on the run.  
  
However, it's too short a time to describe the entire process.  
  
[They slowly disappear, only to be instantly replaced.]  
  
Therefore, we discuss on the complementation of the mind of one  
single boy named Ikari Shinji.  
  
[The characters dissipate into the background, and a spotlight  
shines on a young, frail brown-haired boy, with the caption,  
'Case 3: In the case of Ikari Shinji.' appearing above him.   
They fade away and the boy sits in his chair in silence, when  
suddenly he hears clapping and echoes of music everywhere.   
Without warning, a large group of familiar faces are illuminated  
by enigmatic spotlights.]  
  
All: clapping Lift your head up high and blow your brains out!  
  
[Then a redhead in a school uniform dances out from the  
darkness, holding a microphone connected to a toy mini-piano her  
face just mere inches from the boy's.]  
  
Asuka: Do you still go to raves? Do you think Christ saves?  
Do you spend your days in a Purple Haze?  
Do you contemplate what a grape nut is?  
Or could you live drinkin' your own whiz?  
  
[A purple haired woman in a red jacket and black dress pops out  
of the blackness under a spotlight, wagging a finger at the boy  
while clutching an alcoholic beverage.]  
  
Misato: Are you hooked on a feeling are you hooked on  
gin-n-tonics?  
Are you hooked on fistin' are you hooked on phonics?  
  
[Asuka pushes out the woman and nails the boy square between the  
eyes with a box of tissues. The boy finds himself on his back  
with the smirking, upside down visage of Asuka still in his  
vision.]  
  
Asuka: Did you ever have sex with a box of Kleenex?  
  
[The boy blushes while a blond boy in camouflage comes out of  
the darkness and begins to take out objects from assorted  
pockets on his person.]  
  
Kensuke: Did you like the movie Malcolm X?  
Or do you own a record by Stryper?  
Do you have a mongoloid cousin wearin' diapers?  
Were you born and raised in New Jersey?  
Did you like the taste of Crystal Pepsi?  
  
[The redhead pushes the blond aside and continues to sing into  
her toy synthesizer, dancing provocatively in the boy's face.]  
  
Asuka: Are you deaf? Well if you are you can't hear me  
But what's the use of living if your ear's be?  
Broken even if I had spoken clearly  
You're stall knot table two eer mi  
  
[The girl scratches her inner ear and rubs it contents on the  
boy's shoulder.]  
  
Asuka: Cause life is a game that no one wins  
But you deserve a headstart the way your life's goin'  
  
[Asuka waves her finger at the boy.]  
  
Asuka: So throw in the towel cause your life ain't shit  
  
[A towel slaps the boy in the face.]  
  
Asuka: No take that towel and hang yourself with it  
  
[Before the boy can peel the towel off his face, it squeezes  
dangerously around his neck, the redhead smiles as she applies  
more pressure.]  
  
Asuka: Life's short and hard like a body-building elf  
  
[She steps back and poses. The boy takes in a gulp of air.]  
  
Asuka: So save the planet and kill yourself  
If your feeling down-and-out with what your life is all about  
Lift your head up and blow your brains out!  
  
[Suddenly, the entire cast is spotlighted once again.]  
  
All: Lift your head up and blow your brains out!  
  
[A chorus of Reis dance into view, wiggling their hips to the  
rhythm of the music.]  
  
Asuka: Lift your head up high and blow your brains out  
  
[The chorus wiggles once more and vanishes. Then two spotlights  
follow Ritsuko and Misato, Major Katsuragi whispers to the boy  
while playfully pointing to the blonde.]  
  
Misato: Does your girlfriend look like the chick from M*A*S*H?  
Dead ringer for Klinger with a thicker mustache?  
  
[A pale, grey-haired boy in a blue dress walks between Ritsuko  
and the boy. The grey-haired boy curtsies and smiles gayly at  
the boy and walks off. The boy and Ritsuko stare in disbelief,  
Misato carries on obliviously.]  
  
Misato: When you're at a get-together does everybody always ask?  
Ain't no Halloween party why's she wearin' that mask?  
  
[Misato giggles. The blonde straightens her lab coat and aims  
her retort towards the boy.]  
  
Ritsuko: Does she got more Chins than the Chinese phone book?  
  
[Glowering at Ritsuko, Misato replies back to the boy.]  
  
Misato: Would you rather make out with a rusty fish hook?  
  
[Now the two women are talking directly to each other much to  
the boy's chagrin.]  
  
Ritsuko: Does she stick to linoleum when she squats?  
  
Misato: Does she look pregnant although she's not?  
  
[The blonde puts her hands on her hips and gives her fellow  
woman the one, two.]  
  
Ritsuko: Did you first see your boyfriend on Cops?  
  
[Kaji is shown being escorted by law enforcement officers. He  
smiles a toothy smile at Misato.]  
  
Ritsuko: Or at a Star Trek convention or on top?  
  
[In the old style Star Trek uniform, Kaji lifts his hand and  
attempts the Vulcan sign without much success while one of his  
fake ears fall off.]  
  
Ritsuko: Of your best friend or maybe at Wendy's?  
Workin' third shift late New Year's Eve?  
  
[Now Kaji appears wearing an apron and oblong hat. He waves at  
Misato as he flips a burger. She sighs.]  
  
Ritsuko: Does he live under a bridge, scare kids, and kill  
squirrels?  
  
[A very dingy Kaji pops up from under a bridge, barring his fake  
fangs and scaring everyone. Then he smiles a maize-like smile  
and waves at Misato.]  
  
Ritsuko: Does he do kegstands until he hurls?  
  
[From in front of a toilet, Kaji weakly lifts his hand and waves  
while continuing his praising.]  
  
Ritsuko: Could a blind man mistake his complexion for Braille?  
  
[Kaji, wearing a long cloak and a hood over his face, limps into  
view. Removing his hood, he smiles, though it's hardly visible  
through all the lumps of skin. He waves at Misato. She  
shivers.]  
  
Ritsuko: Does he have time to sit around and wait for the mail?  
  
[Standing next to mail box Kaji dusts off his cardigan sweater  
and waves at Misato, oblivious to the canine relieving itself on  
his leg. Asuka jumps between the arguing women.]  
  
Asuka: Life is a game that no one wins  
  
[The boy gets tugged to his left.]  
  
Hikari: But you deserve a headstart the way your life's goin'  
  
[Then to his right.]  
  
Kensuke: So throw in the towel cause your life ain't shit  
  
[Back to the middle.]  
  
Asuka: No take that towel and hang yourself with it  
  
[The others crowd around Asuka.]  
  
Hikari: Life's short and hard like a body-building elf  
  
[Touji gets on his knees and flexes, Hikari rests her hand on  
head and ruffles his hair.]   
  
Asuka: So save the planet and kill yourself  
  
[Touji gooses Asuka from behind and continues.]  
  
Touji: If your feeling down-and-out with what your life is all  
about  
  
[A large red mallet nails Touji into the ground with Asuka  
smiling from the other end.]   
  
Asuka: Lift your head up and blow your brains out!  
  
[With a wiggle of her nose and a snap of her fingers, the  
spotlight over the cast activates on cue.]  
  
All: Lift your head up and blow your brains out!  
  
[The Rei chorus returns, but this time wiggle closer to the  
boy's face. Asuka blocks his view of the dancing Rei's right  
before the blood in the boy's nose reaches critical mass.]  
  
Asuka: Lift your head up high and blow your brains out  
  
[The boy loses the fight with his nose when Asuka joins in with  
the authoritative swinging of hips of the chorus.]  
  
Asuka: So take your life, instead of taking it for granted  
I'm thinking you should can it  
  
[Kensuke whips out a detailed diagram and pie charts.]  
  
Kensuke: I think I'll help you plan it  
  
[Kaji, still in his cardigan sweater, puts a reassuring hand on  
the boy's shoulder. The boy cowers away.]  
  
Kaji: Live today like it's gonna be your last  
Hang out, blow your mind, have yourself a gas  
I hope you take this the wrong way  
And misinterpret what I say  
Rewind and let me reverse it  
Backwards like Judas Priest first did  
  
[Everyone steps away to make room for Gendo emerging from  
darkness seated at a desk, his hands interlaced in front of his  
face and uttering total jiberish.]  
  
Gendo: Iliovar feeb idrayob fehc ruoy tae dna pu ekaw dlihc  
lived   
Iliovar feeb idrayob fehc ruoy tae dna pu ekaw dlihc lived   
  
[Asuka hops onto Gendo's desk, taking out a gun and busies  
herself polishing it. She gets off the desk and is joined by  
Kaoru blowing his trumpet. Asuka waves the gun around  
dangerously as the song enters its final chorus. Everyone takes  
cover.]  
  
Asuka: Cause life is a game that no one wins  
But you deserve a headstart the way your life's goin'  
  
[Asuka swings, Kaoru ducks.]  
  
Asuka: So throw in the towel cause your life ain't shit  
No take that towel and hang yourself with it  
  
[Irritated, Asuka swings once more with fervor. Kaoru ducks and  
still keeps blowing.]  
  
Asuka: Life's short and hard like a body-building elf  
So save the planet and kill yourself  
If your feeling down-and-out with what your life is all about  
  
[Asuka finally connects with Kaoru, knocking him off his feet  
and ruining his trumpet. She smiles satisfied and moves into  
the boy's face once more.]  
  
Asuka: Lift your head up and blow your brains out!  
  
[A spotlight flips on over a shooting gallery full of moving,  
metal targets resembling the boy in different states of dress.   
The redhead takes aim as the cast sings.]  
  
All: Lift your head up and blow your brains out!  
  
*BANG!*  
  
[The boy cringes as a target goes down.]  
  
All: Lift your head up and blow your brains out!  
  
*BANG!*   
  
[Another target goes down.]  
  
All: Lift your head up and blow your brains out!  
  
*BANG!*   
  
[Yet another goes down.]  
  
All: Lift your head up and blow your brains out!  
  
*BANG!*   
  
[The final target goes down and the boy finds himself staring at  
the barrel of Asuka's gun. She leans in, her smirk engraved on  
her face and presses the weapon into the boy's forehead.   
Finally, she leans even closer and whispers.]  
  
Asuka: Lift your head up high and blow your brains out  
  
[The boy closes his eyes, waiting for the trigger. To his  
surprise, the gun moves away and he feels a peck on the nose. The  
lights go out, leaving the boy the solitary figure spotlighted.   
He stares ahead vacantly for a moment, hiccups once, falls over,  
and the view fades to black.]  
  
Congratulations. The End.  
  
^^Notes:^^  
  
Nothing, really. I mean what do you want me to say?   
  
**Disclaimer:**  
  
EVA is property of Gainex  
The song Lift Your Head Up High (And Blow Your Brains Out) is  
property of the Bloodhound Gang and Geffen Records.   
  
Thanks for staring at me funny and please come again...  
  
Bastion  
bastion@ix.netcom.com  
http://pweb.netcom.com/~bastion/index1.htm  



End file.
